The situation you’re facing is undoubtedly heart-wrenching, and it raises profound questions about family dynamics and communication.
Dear Eric: I find myself in a painful predicament with my son. Thirty-three years ago, I learned I was expecting, and shortly thereafter, the man I was involved with abandoned me. I raised my child alone, but when he turned two, I met and eventually married someone else. However, after a tumultuous two decades filled with ups and downs, our marriage ended in a particularly messy divorce. Not long before I initiated the separation process, my son enlisted in the Marines. When I reached out to inform him about the divorce, he casually mentioned that he was already aware, as his stepfather had informed him.
Since that painful moment nine years ago, our relationship has deteriorated completely. My attempts to connect with him—through texts, phone calls, and letters—have all been met with silence. If I manage to get him on the phone, he hangs up as soon as he recognizes my voice. To add to the heartache, I have no insight into his current living situation or life circumstances now that he's out of the military. My ex-husband and I have cut off all communication, yet I see photos on social media where he appears with my son, leaving me feeling even more isolated.
I’m at a loss as to whether I should continue trying to reach out. The reasons behind my son’s sudden withdrawal from my life remain a mystery, and he hasn't given me the opportunity to understand what went wrong. I long for the chance to reconcile our differences.
Do you have any guidance for me?
– Miserable Mom
Dear Mom: I truly empathize with your situation; it’s distressing to face such estrangement from your child. Based on your account, it seems unclear if you are in a position to apologize or make amends. While there may be underlying issues between you and your son that need addressing, it’s unfortunate that he hasn’t communicated any specific grievances to you. Without his willingness to share what’s troubling him, it leaves you with little to resolve.
You’ve made considerable efforts to reach out, and it's disheartening to think he wouldn’t even respond to a letter or engage in dialogue about his feelings. For your own well-being, it might be beneficial to pause your outreach efforts for the time being. Seeking support from groups that focus on parental estrangement could be immensely helpful, as could reading books like "Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children" by Sheri McGregor. These resources can provide comfort and strategies for dealing with your emotions during this challenging time.
If you have further questions or thoughts, feel free to write to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or send a letter to P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. You can also follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter for more insights.
